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the dimension where dreams are are
season of the daymoon
Sat, I returned from my week long yoga nidra training in chicago. what an experience!
I accessed such deep places in myself, that unchanging awareness, that is the screen on which every'thing' presents itself. I, for the first time in my life, was able to experience loving kindness meditation in its fullness, directed towards the self (and oh my god, the things i saw, did, felt....!!!)

Part of the practice is done lying on your back, and having someone guide. you are quiet and doing your thing. The person guiding it takes your through body sensations, energy sensations, and an openness to emotions, and beliefs that are arising naturally. sometimes, specific emotions/beliefs are guided, but the emphasis is really about welcoming what arises, as if a guest into your home, and spending time exploring it (not cognitively, but through the sensations).

We were also practicing and leading a talk oriented yoga nidra. i would guide someone to settle into their body, relax in to the earth..., then ask the person to be open to any sensation, emotion, belief, feeling that arises, and for them to describe aloud how it feels in the body (texture, colour, sensation, shape...) and to really feel it. then to step back and be aware of it, tehn to move back and forth. asking them to describe whatever is arising, and to see the stuff as messengers, and even allowing for a conversation to unfold. So intense, and freeing, perspective, learning, openness.

the week became a hallucinatory experience. It's been so hard to transition to the 'real' world. or at least to function in the world with a highly sensitive body, energy field, and awareness. it's like there's almost too much going on in each moment to be aware of, even the most mundane, boring moment in life is almost overwhelming with experience, sensory impressions, thoughts, emotions, stillness, awareness...

I've come back home, hoping to maintain a depth to the practice, an awareness to carry throughout life's craziness, and the stillness, or space that i found inside myself (and outside too).

last stable mood: peaceful
soundtrack: david gray

1 spoken word or speak.
I've had a great winter, though this new found, not-quite-there springtime is dragging me down a bit.

I spent last weekend at a log palace on an isolated island on lake of the woods.
It was fabulous. I did some skiing on the lake, exploring different bays, watching eagles, snow-shoeing, making trails in the forests, cooked a bit, read a bit (The Time in Between, which was fabulous), chopped some wood (though I'm pretty lousy at that last one!). Had some solitude, and some great discussions with friends. I was not ready to return to this world that seems so unreal sometimes.

My busy work season has begun, and I'm feeling so much anxiety about it. I guess I'm not quite ready to let go of the quiet(er), insular winter. I've really enjoyed spending time inside, organizing my life, my yoga class plans, my yoga practice, reading, cooking... Since halfway through March, life has been calling me out, and my daytimer is full, and my quietude is coming to an end.

Current Location: home
last stable mood: anxious
soundtrack: haley bonar

speak.
Cuba was extraordinary.
The people, amazing as always, the country absolutely gorgeous.
I stayed at an all-inclusive resort, which meant i drank more than is good for me.

I managed to kayak, swim aplenty, go on a catamaran extreme sailboat thing, snorkel with pretty fish in turquoise water, walked for miles and miles on the beach, try archery, attempt wind surfing on the ocean, hitched a cab (we gave him perfume, pencils and condoms as payment), and picked up a dozen hitchhikers (we brought one elderly woman, who was limping along, to her clinic).

Went to a nearby town and sat in a bar gaving away a large duffel bag worth of things (meds, clothes, shoes, paper, pens, pencils, notepads, tampons, chocolate, soap, shampoo...). christ, the simplest things are simply not available.

The other resort folk thought we were crazy, were afraid to get swarmed with people wanting money, stuff, if they left the confines of the resort. It wasn't like that at all. We just hung out in a town amongst people, in their bar, asking around if they knew anyone who needed a few things. That they did. There we were, raiding our room for every freebie and handing it to people outside the resort.

It was quite windy for the most part, though blue skies nearly every day.
Next time, one week at the all inclusive thing, another travelling amongst the people.

Current Location: in my room with my pretty computer
last stable mood: ponderful

3 spoken words or speak.
After much hesitation, I joined facebook, with mixed impressions.
I've been struggling to actually express how i feel, what's on my mind, what I'm doing.

I don't attend much in terms of social events, and everyone knows i'm always home.
I do stuff- writing, reading, skiing, skating, planning stuff, making collages, and hopefully this blog/facebook merger will allow me to have an outlet of sorts (it's important for hermits like myself)

So on a note of what the hell is going on in my life:
I spent last night playing with my brand spanking new, beautifully slick imac, so so pretty!
and this morning... packing for cuba (i leave this weekend), and am very psyched about it.
Packing really meant, sorting through my ridiculously large clothing collection and trying it all on, deciding which will meet my needs (and desires)

me

Current Location: in my office
last stable mood: eager
soundtrack: the hum of the furnace

5 spoken words or speak.
i dreamt of russell smith last night. (conformistsheep, you might appreciate- he's the men's fashion column with the globe & mail.)
truth be told, i do have a crush, it's all quite silly, and mike teases me mercilessly (but those lips, that sarcastic look, the cockiness, the prose!)
he wouldn't give me the time of day in my dream, and i'm sure reality would confirm this suspicion.
1 spoken word or speak.
I love thunderstorms. Love them.
I find them erotic, i love the moments of primal fear. it's not that i'm afraid of them, but a sudden burst of thunder will startel anyone. i really love it when i'm camping, and i am a little more afraid (y'know tree falling on tent, or lightning striking tent stuff). in our hot humid summers, nothing clears the heavy air better. the air smells so good, and i feel so good.
The thunder has been continuous for an hour and a half. though it isn't directly overhead like it was 20 minutes ago, where the house was shaking.
i don' think i could live somewhere that didn't have intense thunderstorms.

i've been in a shitty mood for most of the week, though i've been feeling progressivly better as the week passed.

last stable mood: thunderstruck (oh punny me)
soundtrack: thunder

2 spoken words or speak.
I just finished it the other day, and oy, it was a difficult read, though so rewarding simultaneously.

Here are some gems:

"There was not one amongst us who looked forward to being born. We disliked the rigours of existence, the unfulfilled longings, the enshrined injustices of the world, the labyrinth of love, the ignorance of parents, the fact of dying, the amazing indifference of the Living in the midst of the simple beauties of the universe. We feared teh heartlessness of human beings, all of whom are born blind, few of whom ever learn to see."

"Mum prayed for simple things that made me weep while the darkness flowered our room"

"There is no rest for the soul. God is hungry for us to grow... We are freer than we think. We haven't begun to live yet... We can redream this world and make the dream real. Human beings are gods hidden from themselves... People who use only their eyes do not SEE. People who use only their ears do not HEAR. It is more difficult to love than to die. It is not death that human beings are most afraid of, it is love..."

"A dream can be the highest point of a life."
speak.
walking to work this morning,

all the puddles from the recent melt were covered by ice from the night's freeze. every puddle was a little different, and super fun to walk on or break with my fingers. it's so loud, but so satisfying, like popping bubblewrap. it took me 20 minutes to walk the 5 short blocks to work. i felt guilty that i was hogging all the fun, but it seems i was the only one playing this morning.
1 spoken word or speak.
watching canadian women play hockey last night, the commentators described one player's use of the hockey stick as "soft and delicate" which i believe they mean as precise.

i don't believe i have ever heard those words used, in a complimentary fashion, about male hockey players. Have you?
speak.
i was so eager to quit work early, that i thought it was 6pm, when really it's 16hr. i turned off the computers, did the end of the day deposit..., and realized i'm 2 hrs ahead of myself.
1 spoken word or speak.